The worst songs on SiriusXM’s AltNation right now.

I listen solely to satellite radio, Pandora, or Apple Music.  In fact, my radio in the car hasn’t been on a local radio station for close to a decade and a half.  Local radio offers nothing but commercials.  But that’s another story!

On the very first day I bought my first satellite radio, I found the alternative radio stations and fell in love.  Oklahoma City radio is absolutely pathetic.  Your choices are the local rock station the KATT, whose tag line is “Rock 100 the KATT – 10 minute rock blocks of commercials and stale 80s hair bands,” or the top 40 CrapRap channels.  AltNation was a refreshing change.  Then, about six months in, I realized that the only difference between the local shit stations and AltNation was the commercial factor.  There are no commercials on AltNation, but the repetition of songs is almost unbearable.  On top of that, the quality of music is just (to borrow from VP Biden) profoundly ignorant.

Almost all pop music is what I call assembly line junk.  It’s all in 4/4 time so you can dance to it.  It’s written in a single format:

intro | verse | bridge | chorus | verse | bridge | chorus | bridge(2) | solo | chorus | outro

That formula is predictable and needed when you’re talking about junk songs that will be played in dance clubs.  They’re easy to sing along and dance to.  Is it art?  I equate this level of art to your first grader’s finger paintings as art. Mommy and daddy think it’s great because mommy and daddy are morons.

When I grew up in the 80s, alternative music was obscure. It was music that was never played on commercial radio in medium sized markets.  It was the Cure, Depeche Mode, the Fixx, New Order.  It was angst and non-conformity.  You had to dig through the depths of Deep Ellum in Dallas, TX to find some of this stuff in the beginning.  The stuff played on AltNation today is none of that.  AltNation music shouldn’t bleed over to other platforms.  You shouldn’t hear it on the pop stations.

This brings me to the worst music on AltNation at the moment.  And when I use the term at the moment, I’m really referring to the last six months to a year because once AltNation gets their grubby little Trump hands into an alt-pop hit, they just won’t let go.  Most of this music should have never been played on AltNation.  It belongs on the pop channels.

  • Coin – Talk Too Much: The epitome of puss-rock.  This is assembly line weenie rock at it’s finest!
  • Strumbellas – anything by the Strumbellas: See Coin above!
  • alt-J – Every Other Freckle: AltNation destroyed alt-j.  They played this song every 20 minutes for months on end and by the end of the first month, I was so fucking sick of it I just started changing channels.
  • Joywave – Destruction: I actually love this song.  What I hate is the spoken intro on the album version.  It goes like this:
    Narrator: Would the soundtrack kindly produce a sound.
    Music: {single keystroke on synthesizer}
    Narrator: Go on, don’t be nervous, go ahead, any sound.
    Music: {two keystrokes on synthesizer}
    Narrator: Heheh, well, that isn’t quite what I had in mind.Hey narrator, then why the fuck did you say “go ahead, any sound?”  If you had something else in mind, then say it.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were a crazy woman who wanted the band to read your mind…..dick!
  • Killers – worst band ever!
  • The Shelters – anything and everything.  Once again, see Coin above!
  • Grouplove – “Whine, whine, whine, happy, happy, happy, whine!”
  • The Hunna – my god this is a horrible band. Again, see Coin above.  But we’re seeing a common theme here: all these singers have high, whiny voices. None of them can actually sing.
  • 21 Pilots – This is possibly the worst band ever in the history of music. White boy shitty rap?  They got it.  Autotune?  They got it.  I think maybe, possibly, by a small margin, the only band that is worse than 21 Douchenozzels is the Black Eyed Peas!
  • Vance Joy – Mess Is Mine: Hey Vance, take your wimpy-ass shit and go play with Ed Sheeran.
  • Milky Chance – Stolen Dance: Yes, they are still playing this horrendous song.  Boring much?

I think that’s good enough for now.  I could go on for another 5000 words about these bands but I’ll call it quits right here.

Stay tuned for the BEST songs on AltNation.  That post will literally list probably two to three bands. XMU, here I come!

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